Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Down in the Dumps

It's amazing how fragile my self-worth is.  I got called into the principal's office about "an incident".  I made a joking comment to students I really like, which, out of context, sounded bad.  In context, it was a joke scolding a student purposely being obnoxious.  But this post isn't about the incident.

Since this meeting, all of the happiness from my previous post has been sucked out of my body.  I get home and feel exhausted.  I get to school and feel unprepared.  In class, I feel just a little off.  My patience is low, my morale is low, and I feel mentally exhausted.

I wish that my hard work preparing good lessons, my knowledge of math and my ability to make it accessible, and the good feelings my students have toward me were what I was known for as a teacher.  Instead, it feels like I am being defined by the "naughty" letter in my HR file.  It makes it hard to bring work home.  I haven't been a pleasant mom or wife the last few days.  I'm pouty, tired, and distracted.

I'm angry that the outcome of my comment (that is, no outcome - the students knew it was a ridiculous joke) couldn't have been taken into consideration and the issue dropped.  The principal followed protocol, which I don't blame her for.  But I do wish that the protocol would take into account the effect this has had on my teaching and enthusiasm for teaching.

My hope is that by venting my frustration, I can move past this and see it for what it is.  My big mouth and the circumstances afterward becoming an issue that is probably much bigger in my mind than it is in anyone else's mind.  Who thinks about it the least?  The students who were there.  Next?  HR  Next?  The principal.  The most?  Me.

And why do I teach?  For the kids and because it makes me feel good.  So if I can somehow put the rest of this out of my head, I hope I can get back to happy Mrs. B - the one who smiled at every kid in the hall the first weeks of school. 

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